Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.