Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.