karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
lmfao come on
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”