Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
You Might Also Like
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.