Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER