Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Your honor these allegations are
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.