[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
True
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock