Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?