Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
The days of good grammer has went
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica