Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.