@shopkins776: Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what's coming to them
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@GrantTanaka: this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
@garrydavenport: *weigh myself* Hmmmm... *weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter* Ah these are more accurate...
@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING