@shopkins776: Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what's coming to them
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@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
@SwedishCanary: When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I'm capable of.
@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
@DanMentos: “Hello, Pizza Hut” Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza? “eight” And a medium? “eight” *long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager