Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED