Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking