Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
God, I love Scotland
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?