Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me checking my bank balance online.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.