Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Leaving the Barbers like
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach