Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Spotted in New Orleans.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
twitter users today:
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya