Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
grotesque if literal: baby food
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.