Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?