Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My typo game is string.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.