Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.