Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*jingles half the way*
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.