@13spencer: Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
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@StansaidAirport: Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
@Roxtalled: Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.
@agathagotstoned: What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren't those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?
@causticbob: My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.