Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me sliding into hell like
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
monday
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”