Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
23. the denim jacket
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.