Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.