Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter