@weinerdog4life: Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he's in two places at once.
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@nikkithecanuck: Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
@martyntanton: Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
@BuckyIsotope: I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
@Herbs1996: Hate when older people say "you're too young to be tired" alright Margret you're too old to be alive but here we are