Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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The USS B port
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Raisins are grape jerky.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy