Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”