Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
You Might Also Like
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When the stylist spins you back around
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.