KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I would be awful at debating I鈥檇 be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I鈥檓 going to dine in you again
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I never met a problem I couldn鈥檛 make worse
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I鈥檓 not chancing someone else getting in.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.