I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?