Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The Punning Dead.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )