@howe007: Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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@AbrasiveGhost: HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats
@BuckyIsotope: ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby 3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.