Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
🙁
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?