Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
😂 amazing answer
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”