At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.