Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s