Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards