Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.