“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”