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@ElgatoEsmio: Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
@SardonicTart: Just googled "unsolved murders in my area" because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
@DadandBuried: IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
@KarenKilgariff: you know what ruined my childhood? children
@JermHimselfish: Rand Paul's full name is Random Politician