Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
And bowling should be called pinball
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car