Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is