@usedwigs: Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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@abbycohenwl: Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is? T: No-[sees it's almost 3 pm] Magic
@jonnysun: a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
@david8hughes: "You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."
@BeerBatterBeard: The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."