@usedwigs: Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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@michaelianblack: The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
@TheCiscoKidder: I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.
@tigdonovan: Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You're going to blow my secret that I'm a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
@jonnysun: "oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow