Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
This makes total sense…
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.