Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
🤣🤣🤣
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.