Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.