@ceejoyner: Keep yelling "dance!" and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you're going to look like an idiot.
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@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
@KLobstar: [seaside wedding] We are gathered here today to celebrate the- [bride picked up by giant seagull] -completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
@bingowings14: See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.
@dubstep4dads: i bet the first guy to say "smooth as a babies bottom" wasnt the most respected man in the community
@jferg1616: I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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