Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“OMGJK” -atheists
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
ok this is my dumbest yet
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …