@Home_Halfway: Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."
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@stuartrutten: For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me. So, who's stupid now?
@IamEnidColeslaw: Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.