Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van