@TheTweetOfGod: Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
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@RykWeston: The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was "in that Titanic movie". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
@thatdutchperson: [Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."
@JessObsess: Him: sex tonight? Me: Work put me in a bad mood Him: tomorrow? Me: I have a headache tomorrow