@TheTweetOfGod: Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
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@badbanana: If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
@thatUPSdude: Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
@DaddyJew: Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
@KeetPotato: cop: i have to give you a ticket me: [undoes button] how bout now? cop: sir me: [undoes another] how bout now? cop: sir pls get off my shirt